i can still see your eyes

looking, searching

frightful & so many other things

i can't quite explain

& you were scared [so scared]

that i was gone [maybe forever]

and you wiped my hair

away from my eyes

& i didn't know what to say to you

after everything had happened

saying that i was afraid of change

seemed a stupid idiotic excuse

& it wouldn't heal the hole

i almost left in your heart.

I remember feeling your hand

warm & comforting

beneath my head

drops fell on my face & i

didn't remember being outside

but i knew it was raining

[until i looked up & realized those drops were your tears]

& i wanted to swallow them

take the pain away,

understanding now that i had been

selfish

& you rode with me

through the city in a ambulance

with wirling flashing lights on top

& i figured then that forever [however long that is]

i want i need to wake up

& go to sleep

to the sight of your closed green eyes

the rising & falling of your chest

the sound of you moving over

[to let me have a bit more of the pillow]

[[you are my own special lullaby]]

& i'm sorry

so sorry

that i began your hurt

just by trying

to end my own.

<3<3<3

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