as it may as well be noted I have become a Elizabeth Wurtzel addict. I finished Bitch in less than a week & now am quickly devouring Prozac Nation before i move on to Now, Once, Again.

so as i am reading prozac nation

i recall those times when i am

unsure

frightened

paralyzed

doubtful

& "By the time I stumble into the bathroom & slam both doors & curl up tight to the floor, I'm certain there is no way they'll ever understand the philosophical underpinnings of the state i'm in."

& its true. sara & anna & brian & all those other people who supposedly care about me in every way..there is no way they could ever understand the way i feel. i would have to dig to deeply & throw heavy dirt around before they could ever understand.

& the thing i've realized is this:

they don't want to understand.

it takes to much energy on their part, they have more important things like boys & drugs & finding an endless supply of vodka & pills, buying anything & everything just to feel good.

& i was/still am/ the same way. im starting to realize though that the feeling that occurs when the drug wears off is much worse than the feeling you had before you took the substance, whatever that may be.

it's like a brickwall.

my 'friends' don't care.

they don't want to.

they just want to turn a cheek

tell me that it's okay

nobody thinks that way...

but my mind is fucked up.

i start thinking that they are only saying these things to get me to shut up, to take shots, to pass out so they are free of my presence one more day.

a cool guy named kelly that i met told me that friendships based on drugs & getting fucked up aren't really friendships. the person will always be trying to cover their own ass over yours.

i convince myself thats not true every-single-day.

i dont know.

is that depression?

should i be worried?

or is this normal?

i'm scared.

<3<3<3

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