most times i'm sad.

plain & simple.

i call brian up because i sit on my dark bed in my dark room in my dark house on my dark street living my dark life & all i can think of are dark thoughts.

blades dragging across my arms.

red RED blood

so crimson at times it seems like the Nile River when God turned it to blood

& other times it fastly flows

& i can FEEL the pain shooting up my fingertips, whispering to my mind

this is it

this is it

this is it

the moment we've all been waiting for

when for once you weren't scared to drag the dagger the right way

vertical

UP&DOWN (damnit)

because if you are going to go out, do it in style is what my dad, the beer guzzler says, and terri the hippy mother too important for her daughter too important for this state too important for this life

so she threatens me to drive her car off a cliff

a fucking cliff in california

where there is no ocean

oh no

just rocks and jagged edges

she says maybe then i will feel sorry for her

maybe then i will realize what a fuckup i am

maybe then i will get over my bullshit & start caring about her because

GOD KNOWS "she did the right thing"

and GOD KNOWS "she is a wonderful woman"

& im just so tired

& i call brian and tell him

GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO THINK ABOUT PLEASE!

i'm closer to the edge that i've ever been & the edge is exhilarating and wonderful

& i look at the night sky and realize

it is my light at the end of life's tunnel

& every month it gets full and then cresent, opportunities to escape grow farther.farther.farther. away

i am swept deeper into myself goddamnit

& maybe thats where i want to stay.

i probably won't write for some time.

i dont know what to do with myself.

when i smile my face cracks

when i cry my face melts

& it's ending so quickly

& it's a dead end road for me.

so wish me luck.

im puttin' the pedal to the metal

& im hittin that brick wall FULL FORCE.

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